Hello everyone. Most apologies in the delay for uploading this, I’m still recovering from the disorientation sickness once again. Believe it or not, being the victim of a malignant narcissist is emotionally debilitating :,)

Turns out alla that “I’m gonna kick you out and you have to leave on november 31st!!” (which isn’t a real day by the way) was actually just some bullshit. I’ve since gained a better understanding of how narcissists actually work. They create problems for you to solve, and my intentional revocation of attention or reactions was what starved my abuser’s black hole hungry for drama.

Turns out that I was actually too gung-ho with the whole thing and I just needed to give her a drip. There’s ways of dealing with narcissists, many call it “grey rock.” I cannot recommend the youtube channel Theramin Trees enough for helping me understand dogmatic ideologies, such as narcissism. He even helped me unpack how narcissistic traits can persist in victims and I was able to unlearn some of my own narcissistic behavior. There’s a long road of healing ahead, but I now have strategies to keep the monster at bay while focusing on myself. I think that that’s quite cash money of me, if I do say so!

I must say that it’s pretty damn frustrating that my abuser literally threatened to throw me away if I didn’t serve her uses though. As if that’s what being a parent is about. But, that’s not the world a narcissist lives in, I was starving her of her fuel source. She wants conflict, she wants to poke me and bother me, and it’s not about not giving it to her, it’s about giving her something off script, every time. Socialization is a creative process. And when you step out of that script, you can say whatever you want, however you want, and as long as you confuse the narcissist, then you’re probably doing good enough.

SO, TDLR; brass tax is that I am safe til I can escape on my own terms. Thanks so much to everyone for the support, and to those who actually donated money, but please, don’t feel like you have to anymore! Although, setting up a kofi for my writing was something that I wanted to do for a while anyways, so it’s gonna stay! I’m still learning about how to beautify my website, AND how to write. In fact, a lot of progress is happening in that direction, which is most exciting! But in the mean time, I’m just gonna pursue a career in cooking, go on walks in the cold New York winter, and focus on taking care of myself.

With love for everyone reading and the multitude of Lewas who woke up every day and wrote this, adios

~ Lewa 💚